You Can’t Win An Argument

Just think, how much better it would have been if we are not so argumentative.

During my younger days, I argue with my brother about everything under the Milky Way. When I was in high school, I argue with my classmates and teachers. Since then, I have listened to, engaged in, and watched the effect of thousands of arguments. As a result of all this, I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument — and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.

Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.

You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it. And if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is not of sound mind. Then what? You will feel fine, but what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And his opinion is still the same, he still thinks he is right.

You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument, but as far as changing another’s mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong.

Never begin by announcing “I am going to prove so-and-so to you”. That’s bad. That’s tantamount to saying: “I‘m smarter than you are. “I‘m going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind. That is a challenge. It arouses opposition and makes the listener want to battle with you before you even start.

It is already difficult even under the most suitable conditions, to change people’s minds. So why make it harder? Why handicap yourself? If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly that no one will feel that you are doing it.

Well, I can’t hope to be any smarter than Einstein, so I have quit telling people they are wrong. And I find that it pays.

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If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong, isn’t it better to begin by saying, “Well, now look, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong and I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to put it right. Let’s examine the facts”

There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: “I may be wrong, I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.” Nobody in the heaven above, or the earth beneath, or in the deep ocean waters will ever object to your saying, “I may be wrong, Let’s examine the facts.”

One of my friends who is a car salesman used this approach in dealing with customers. He said that due to the pressure of the automobile business, he was often hard-boiled and insensitive when dealing with customers’ complaints. This caused flared tempers, loss of business, and general unpleasantness.

Recognizing this was going nowhere, he tried a new tack. He would say something like, “Our dealership has made so many mistakes that I am frequently ashamed. We may have erred in your case. Tell me about it.”

This approach becomes quite disarming, and by the time the customer releases his feelings, he is usually much more reasonable when it comes to settling the matter. In fact, several customers have thanked him for having such an understanding attitude. And two of them even brought in friends to buy new cars.

You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. This will stop all arguments and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broadminded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, can be wrong.

Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. Most of us are blighted with preconceived notions, jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy, and pride. And most don’t want to change their minds about their haircut, their communities, or their favorite movie star.

We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we were told we are wrong, we resent it. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened.

You need to convince yourself that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.

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To sum it all up, don’t argue with your customer or your spouse, or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.

That’s all for now, my friends. See you all in my next article.

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